I'm a numbers person by occupation and I think in terms of balance sheets, P&L statements, excel spreadsheets, etc. Basically, I've always believed in a world where things are equal and balanced. But I'm finding that doesn't apply to love. Love is never balanced and we can never take that approach with it. Why did I discover this? Well, I'm a human being (yes, it's true, not just a disembodied blogger) with relationships around me- husband, children, friends, acquaintances, God. And I'm realizing the logic I'm about to explain applies to all those relationships.
Let's start with God. If you believe in God, which I happen to, then one of the things you are trying to do in your life is show love for Him. We do that by serving others, by studying scriptures, attending church, and all the things our church teaches us to do. But what happens when storms in life arise? I remember calling my dad one day a few years ago and crying (I was 30 at the time) "Why when I'm doing all the things that I'm supposed to be doing is this still happening to me?". I thought, if I'm doing what God asks, He should help me with that I'm asking for in my life. Like a balance sheet. My dad had to explain to my 30-yr-old self that sometimes really hard and bad things happen to good people that are trying to do the right things. I get it now, but at the time I was confused and a little angry at this concept that I had to do everything I knew God wanted me to, and my life might or might not work out as planned. I had to give unconditionally, with no expectations in return. That's what Love for Love's sake is. It's unconditional. That's how God gives it to us, whether or not we realize it.
The same principle applies in marriage. If we keep a balance sheet of love, it will never feel balanced, no matter how hard either spouse tries. Part of that is because we all speak different love languages and what I do for my husband to show love may be different than his idea of a sign of love, and vise versa. The challenge is to get to a place where we can give to our spouse without expectations in return. At times it may feel like getting kicked in the teeth, especially when applying this principle to teenagers (I have one). But if you can hold on and continue in it, eventually it will pay off and transform your life. You will feel increased love to the people you are sharing it with, and sooner or later they will share it back.
I know you are reading this right now thinking "I wish my spouse could be that for me. Show me unconditional love and do all those things I've been hoping and asking him/her to do." See that's where our mistake lies. We have to say.. "That's not what comes naturally to me, but I'm going to work on being better at that. I'm going to be the one to be vulnerable and offer love with no expectations but simply because I love him/her." Of course your needs have to be met at some point, but I guarantee they will be met faster and in a more fulfilling way if you are free with your love rather than guarded with it, trying to keep a balance sheet.
Try saying hello to or striking up a conversation with a stranger, not worrying if they will think your nuts but just because you want to make someone happy. Maybe they will think your nuts, but more likely you'll both part ways with a lighter heart and a smile because you allowed yourself to show love with no expectation or fear. Because unlike money, you don't loose when you give it away, you just feel more.
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