Forgivenes

I've recently had to forgive someone in my life.  It was hard.  Really hard.  I've never hated anyone before this.. and it's not a nice feeling.  I let myself hate this person for a few months until this past Sunday I couldn't take it anymore and called them up and said 'let's go for a walk'.  She (ok, I was going to keep it 'them' but that makes writing tricky) was probably really scared, because she was the 'offender' and felt terrible for what she did.  But she agreed.  It was a rainy Monday evening.  I went to our designated meeting place and since it was raining I got in her car.  She reached over and hugged me and I hugged her back.  She apologized again for what she had done.  I had only talked to her over the phone and felt we needed an in person meeting.  We talked until the rain cleared then we walked.  As we talked my feelings of hate for her started to diminish.  I finally have a little peace now that I can let go of the hate.  It doesn't excuse what she did, but it happened and I can't change that.  The only thing I have to work with is my own attitude and my decision to forgive.  All my life I've taught and been taught that we have to forgive others.  But it's a whole different story when something personal and hurtful happens to you or is done to you.  Then it's real and you have to search down deep to find if you have the strength to do the thing you know you should.  For a long time, I honestly didn't think I had it in me to be free of hating her.  But after a sincere prayer and some contemplation, I had the distinct impression that if I wanted to heal from this, I had to talk to her in person.  And tell her I forgave her.  I told her how I had hated her, how she hurt me, and how angry I was, which she knew but I had to say it in person.  Then I also was able to tell her that us talking was able to help those hateful feelings go away, and that I could forgive her and wanted her to be able to move on too.

We biked to the Crane Hollow cafe for a late breakfast. Taylor and I aren't in the pic..I was taking it. Olivia, her friend Kaitlin, and Evan.

Balance Sheet Love versus Love for Love's sake

I'm a numbers person by occupation and I think in terms of balance sheets, P&L statements, excel spreadsheets, etc.  Basically, I've always believed in a world where things are equal and balanced.  But I'm finding that doesn't apply to love.  Love is never balanced and we can never take that approach with it.  Why did I discover this?  Well, I'm a human being (yes, it's true, not just a disembodied blogger) with relationships around me- husband, children, friends, acquaintances, God. And I'm realizing the logic I'm about to explain applies to all those relationships.

Let's start with God.  If you believe in God, which I happen to, then one of the things you are trying to do in your life is show love for Him.  We do that by serving others, by studying scriptures, attending church, and all the things our church teaches us to do. But what happens when storms in life arise?  I remember calling my dad one day a few years ago and crying (I was 30 at the time) "Why when I'm doing all the things that I'm supposed to be doing is this still happening to me?".  I thought, if I'm doing what God asks, He should help me with that I'm asking for in my life.  Like a balance sheet.  My dad had to explain to my 30-yr-old self that sometimes really hard and bad things happen to good people that are trying to do the right things.  I get it now, but at the time I was confused and a little angry at this concept that I had to do everything I knew God wanted me to, and my life might or might not work out as planned.  I had to give unconditionally, with no expectations in return.  That's what Love for Love's sake is.  It's unconditional.  That's how God gives it to us, whether or not we realize it.

The same principle applies in marriage.  If we keep a balance sheet of love, it will never feel balanced, no matter how hard either spouse tries.  Part of that is because we all speak different love languages and what I do for my husband to show love may be different than his idea of a sign of love, and vise versa.  The challenge is to get to a place where we can give to our spouse without expectations in return.  At times it may feel like getting kicked in the teeth, especially when applying this principle to teenagers (I have one). But if you can hold on and continue in it, eventually it will pay off and transform your life.  You will feel increased love to the people you are sharing it with, and sooner or later they will share it back.

I know you are reading this right now thinking "I wish my spouse could be that for me. Show me unconditional love and do all those things I've been hoping and asking him/her to do."  See that's where our mistake lies.  We have to say.. "That's not what comes naturally to me, but I'm going to work on being better at that.  I'm going to be the one to be vulnerable and offer love with no expectations but simply because I love him/her."  Of course your needs have to be met at some point, but I guarantee they will be met faster and in a more fulfilling way if you are free with your love rather than guarded with it, trying to keep a balance sheet.

Try saying hello to or striking up a conversation with a stranger, not worrying if they will think your nuts but just because you want to make someone happy.  Maybe they will think your nuts, but more likely you'll both part ways with a lighter heart and a smile because you allowed yourself to show love with no expectation or fear.  Because unlike money, you don't loose when you give it away, you just feel more.